Tuesday, May 31, 2011 Joey Lim
Dear Mummy,

I am feeling very sad. Today in school, Zhong Guoren, my classmate from China beat me again in a Mathematics test. That boy is a genius. Last week, he beat me in sports too. If he was not here, I would have came in first and gotten the gold medal. The government says that we must welcome foreign talents to increase our population and to improve our economy. This has caused me to get a silver medal instead.

At first, we laughed at them because their English was not very good. Their Mathematics and Science were good and their Chinese was excellent (but who cares about Chinese). However, their English got better and now, they are kicking our backsides in this subject too.

I think we should get the government to do something about this. Why you did not have more babies, Mummy? I would not mind having a brother or a sister to play with. I am the only child. It is because you and Daddy are not making enough babies, we have to get people from other countries. They are the people who make it very hard for me to be number one in my class.

I think you are very selfish to just have me. I do not like to lose, Mummy. I am used to being first in my class. My school used to be very small, like Singapore, so it was easy to be first. Now, my school is bigger and I have to fight harder to be first. Why we cannot just compete among Singaporeans only (and maybe Permanent Residents)? Why they cannot have a new system for all the tests and CCAs? We can have a Best Local Mathematics Student Award and a Best Local Sportsman Award. Then at least if I do not win the Best Mathematics Student Award, I can win the Best Local Mathematics Student Award and feel better about myself. Just like my school is ranked one of the Top 20 Value-added Secondary Schools with a Special Assessment Award for Knitting CCA, I also want to be a top student. Maybe we need to have a new category like ‘Top 20 Value-added Secondary Schools (Got China Students).’

This is because our school got smart foreign students and should be ranked separately so that schools without smart foreign students would not be so jealous. We should drop Literature as a subject too. I hate Literature as it is hard to score an ‘A’ for it. In fact, we should have streams like EM1 (Local) and EM1 (China and Others). Let the China students have their own stream. I want to go to the university when I grow up, especially the National University of Singapore (NUS), because our newspapers say that NUS is even better than Cornell and Princeton in the United States. I heard there are many brilliant China students in NUS too.

I do not want to be having private tuition until I am 25 years old just to keep up with my foreign classmates in the university. If not, I will have no time to meet girls and then I will be forced to go to Kelantan or Vietnam to find a wife when I want to start a family. In fact, I am very upset with foreigners competing with us even in this area.

All the girls I know say that when they finish studying and go to work, they want to marry ang mohs because Singapore men are unromantic and do not want to know how to make a girl happy. The ang mohs are even stealing our girls. I prefer to marry a Singapore girl, of course, but only if she knows how to cook, wash, and peel prawns for me (like you, Mummy). However, nowadays the Singapore girls are so fierce just because they can study and earn their own money. Maybe that is why in Chinatown, I saw this big Singapore Rooster sitting on eggs. I think the Singapore Hen left him to look after the eggs because she had to work and do all the things an educated hen can do.

I also worry that I cannot find a job when I am older. My friend, Ah Hock, tells me his mother feels that all the Chinese foreigners are stealing our jobs and the ang mohs are stealing our women. That is very scary, Mummy. You told me many China women are in Singapore only to do naughty things, like relieving old men of their Central Provident Fund money. Once an uncle wrote in the papers that we should catch those foreign women who are tall, have long hair and legs, and wear tight, revealing outfits in black or red and behave coquettishly. I think we should only accept foreign women who are short, have short hair and legs, and wear loose, covered-up outfits in blue or white and behave like a man. Okay, Mummy, I have to go to my Chinese, Mathematics, and Science tuition classes now. If I do not go, I will not be able to beat Guoren.

Your Son,
Khia Soo
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Monday, May 30, 2011 Joey Lim
There were two nuns, one of them was known as Sister Logical (SL) and the other one was known as Sister Mathematical (SM). It was getting dark and they were still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.
SL: It is logical. He wants to rape us.
SM: At this rate he will reach us in fifteen minutes at the most. What can we do?
SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.
SM: It is not working.
SL: Of course it is not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster too.
SM: What shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.
SL: The only logical thing we can do is to split up. You go that way and I will go this way. He cannot follow both of us. (The man decided to follow Sister Logical. Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical. Then, Sister Logical arrives.)
SM: Thank God you are here. Tell me what happened.
SL: The only logical thing happened. The man could not follow both of us, so he followed me.
SM: What happened then?
SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.
SM: Then?
SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.
SM: Oh dear. What did you do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.
SM: What did the man do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.
SM: Oh no. What happened then?
SL: It is logical. A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down.
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Sunday, May 29, 2011 Joey Lim
MALAYSIAN: You Singaporeans eat the whole bread?
SINGAPOREAN: Of course.
MALAYSIAN: We don't. In Malaysia, we only eat what is inside. After that, we collect the crust in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to Singapore.
SINGAPOREAN: ...
MALAYSIAN: Do you eat jam with the bread?
SINGAPOREAN: Of course.
MALAYSIAN: We don't. In Malaysia, we eat fresh fruit for breakfast. After that, we put all the peels, seeds, and other leftovers in a container, recycle them and transform them into jam before we sell it to Singapore.
SINGAPOREAN: Do you have sex in Malaysia?
MALAYSIAN: Why, of course we do.
SINGAPOREAN : Do you wear protection?
MALAYSIAN: Of course. We wear condoms.
SINGAPOREAN : What do you do with the condoms once you have used them?
MALAYSIAN: Of course we throw them away.
SINGAPOREAN: We don’t. In Singapore, the government secretly puts them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to Malaysia. That is the real reason why chewing gum is banned in Singapore.
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Saturday, May 28, 2011 Joey Lim
LEE SUM WAN: Hello, can I speak to Annie Wan?
MR SORI: Yes, you can speak to me.
LEE SUM WAN: No, I want to speak to Annie Wan.
MR SORI: You are talking to someone. Who is this?
LEE SUM WAN: I am Sum Wan and I need to speak to Annie Wan. It is urgent.
MR SORI: I know you are someone and you want to talk to anyone, but what is this about?
LEE SUM WAN: Well, just tell my sister Annie Wan that our brother was involved in an accident. Noe Wan got injured, and now Noe Wan is being sent to the hospital. Right now, Avery Wan is going to the hospital.
MR SORI: Look, if no one was injured and no one was sent to the hospital from the accident that is not an urgent matter. You may find this hilarious but I do not have time for this.
LEE SUM WAN: You are so rude. Who are you?
MR SORI: I am Sori.
LEE SUM WAN: You should be sorry, now give me your name.
MR SORI: I am Sori.
LEE SUM WAN: I do not like your tone. Give me your name.
MR SORI: Look lady, I told you already I am Sori. I am Sori. You did not even give me your name.
LEE SUM WAN: I told you before I am Sum Wan. I am Sum Wan. You better be careful my father is Sum Buddy, and my uncle holds a very big position in the company. He is Noe Buddy.
MR SORI: Oh, I am so scared. Look, I do not care about your uncle. He is a nobody. Everybody thinks he is a top dog and holding an important position in the company.
LEE SUM WAN: No, Avery Buddy just married my aunt and Avery Buddy does not work there.
MR SORI: Like I said I do not care which one of your aunt screws everybody, and I also know that not everybody works here.
LEE SUM WAN: Wheech Wan is my sister.
MR SORI: I do not know which one is your sister. Why you think I do? Look I got work to do and if I am feeling mischievous I will broadcast it on the PA system saying. “Attention, someone called and said that anyone’s brother just got involved in an accident, but do not to worry no one got injured and no one was sent to the hospital, but everyone is going to the hospital anyway. The father maybe a somebody, but if you are their uncle, you are a nobody.”
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Friday, May 27, 2011 Joey Lim
DAD: I want you to marry a girl of my choice.
SON: I will choose my own bride.
DAD: The girl is Bill Gates's daughter.
SON: In that case, okay.
DAD TO BILL GATES: I have a husband for your daughter.
BILL GATES: My daughter is too young to marry.
DAD TO BILL GATES: This young man is the vice-president of the World Bank.
BILL GATES: Well, Okay then.
DAD TO WORLD BANK PRESIDENT: I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president.
PRESIDENT OF WORLD BANK: I already have more vice-presidents than I need.
DAD TO WORLD BANK PRESIDENT: This young man is Bill Gates's son-in-law.
PRESIDENT OF WORLD BANK: Okay then.
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Thursday, May 26, 2011 Joey Lim
Q: How do you know that frogs are hokkien?
A: It is because when it is cold, they go ‘kwah, kwah, kwah’.

Q: How do hokkien fish laugh?
A: Hee hee hee. (hokkien for fish)

Q: How do hokkien prawns laugh?
A: Hae hae hae. (hokkien for prawns)

Q: What is the difference between ang moh and hokkien fairy tales?
A: Ang moh fairy tales begin with ‘Once upon a time’, and hokkien fairy tales begin with ‘Lim Peh ka li kong’.

Q: Why did they stop printing Pamela Anderson stamps in the USA?
A: Because people started licking the wrong side.

ANDY: My wife is an angel.
JOHN: You are fortunate, mine is still alive.

ANDY: Do you talk to your wife after sex?
JOHN: Depends if I can find the phone or not.

ANDY: How should I convey the news to my father that I have failed my examinations?
JOHN: Just send him a telegram - Results declared, past year's performance repeated.

JOHN: Have you ever had a hot passionate, burning kiss?
MARY: I did once. The guy forgotten to take the cigarette out of his mouth.

DAD: Let me see your report card.
SON: My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents.

SON: Have you ever been to Egypt?
DAD: No. Why do you ask that?
SON: Well, where did you get mummy from?

SON: Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.
MUM: Well, you have done the right thing.
SON: I was sitting on daddy's lap.

CUSTOMER: If I post this letter today, will it get to Johor tomorrow?
POST MASTER: Well it might.
CUSTOMER: I bet you it would not.
POST MASTER: Why not?
CUSTOMER: It is addressed to Penang.

DOCTOR: You look exhausted and terribly weak. Are you having your meals three times a day?
PATIENT: I thought you said three males a day.

PATIENT: What are the chances of my recovering?
DOCTOR: 100%. Medical records show that nine out of ten people die from the disease you have. Yours is the tenth case I have treated. The others all died.

INTERVIEWER: To whom do you owe your success as a millionaire to?
MILLIONAIRE: I owe everything to my wife.
INTERVIEWER: Wow, she must be a great woman. What were you before you married her?
MILLIONAIRE: A billionaire.

THIEF 1: The police is here. Let’s jump out of the window.
THIEF 2: This is the 13th floor you know?
THIEF 1: Hurry, there is no time for superstitions.
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Wednesday, May 25, 2011 Joey Lim
Fifth Important Lesson – Giving When It Counts

Many years ago, a volunteer at a hospital got to know a little girl named Liz who was suffering from a rare and serious disease. Her only chance of recovery appeared to be a blood transfusion from her five year old brother, who had miraculously survived the same disease and had developed the antibodies needed to combat the illness. The doctor explained the situation to her little brother, and asked the little boy if he would be willing to give his blood to his sister. He hesitate for only a moment before taking a deep breath and saying, “Yes I will do it if it will save her.” As the transfusion progressed, he lay in bed next to his sister and smiled, seeing the colour returning to her cheek. Then his face grew pale and his smile faded. He looked up at the doctor and asked with a trembling voice, “Will I die?” Being young, the little boy had misunderstood the doctor. He thought he was going to have to give his sister all of his blood in order to save her.
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Tuesday, May 24, 2011 Joey Lim
Fourth Important Lesson – The Obstacle In Our Path

In ancient times, a King had a boulder placed on a roadway. Then he hid himself and watched to see if anyone would remove the huge rock. Some of the wealthiest merchants came by and simply walked around it. Many loudly blamed the King for not keeping the roads clear, but none did anything about getting the stone out of the way. Then a peasant came along carrying a load of vegetables. Upon approaching the boulder, the peasant laid down his burden and tried to move the stone to the side of the road. After much pushing and straining, he finally succeeded. After the peasant picked up his load of vegetables, he noticed a purse lying in the road where the boulder had been. The purse contained many gold coins and a note from the King indicating that the gold was for the person who removed the boulder from the roadway. The peasant learned what many of us never understand. Every obstacle presents an opportunity to improve our condition.
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Monday, May 23, 2011 Joey Lim
Third Important Lesson – Always Remember Those Who Serve

In the days when an ice cream sundae cost much less, a ten year old boy entered a hotel coffee shop and sat at a table. A waitress put a glass of water in front of him. “How much is a sundae?” he asked. “Fifty cents.” replied the waitress. The little boy pulled is hand out of his pocket and studied the coins in it. “Well, how much is a plain ice cream?” he inquired. By now more people were waiting for a table and the waitress was growing impatient. “Thirty-five cents.” she brusquely replied. The little boy again counted his coins. “I will have the plain ice cream.” he said. The waitress brought the ice cream, put the bill on the table and walked away. The boy finished the ice cream, paid the cashier and left. When the waitress came back, she began to cry as she wiped down the table. There, placed neatly beside the empty dish, were two nickels and five pennies. He could not have the sundae because he had to have enough left to leave her a tip.
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Sunday, May 22, 2011 Joey Lim
Second Important Lesson – Pick Up In The Rain

Late one night, an older African American woman was standing on the side of an Alabama highway trying to endure a lashing rainstorm. Her car had broken down and she desperately needed a ride. Soaking wet, she decided to flag down the next car. A young white man stopped to help her, generally unheard of in those conflict-filled 1960s. The man took her to safety, helped her get assistance, and put her into a taxi. She seemed to be in a big hurry, but wrote down his address and thanked him. Seven days went by and a knock came on the man's door. To his surprise, a giant console colour television was delivered to his home. A special note was attached. It read, “Thank you so much for assisting me on the highway the other night. The rain drenched not only my clothes, but also my spirits. Then you came along. Because of you, I was able to make it to my dying husband's bedside just before he passed away. God bless you for helping me and unselfishly serving others.”

Sincerely,
Mrs. Nat King Cole
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Saturday, May 21, 2011 Joey Lim
First Important Lesson – Cleaning Lady

A professor gave his class a quiz. A conscientious student breezed through the questions and read the last one, “What is the first name of the woman who cleans the school?” Surely this was some kind of joke. He had seen the cleaning woman several times. She was tall, dark-haired and in her fifties, but who would know her name?

He handed in his paper leaving the last question blank. Just before class ended, one student asked if the last question would count towards the quiz grade. “Absolutely,” said the professor. “In your careers, you will meet many people. All of them are significant. They deserve your attention and care, even if all you do is smile and greet them.” The students never forget that lesson.
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Friday, May 20, 2011 Joey Lim
Think Again If You Want A Pay Increment Or Promotion

After ten years of selfless service, a worker realised that he has not been promoted, no commendation award, no salary increase, and that the company is not doing anything about it. He decided to consult his manager and told him his observation. The manager looked at him, laughed and asked him to sit down saying, “My friend, you have not worked here for even one day.” The worker was surprised to hear this, but the manager went on to explain.

MANAGER: How many days are there in a year?
WORKER: 365 days and sometimes 366 days.
MANAGER: How many hours make up a day?
WORKER: 24 hours.
MANAGER: How long do you work in a day?
WORKER: 9.00 am to 5.00 pm. 8 hours a day.
MANAGER: What fraction of the day do you work in hours?
WORKER: He did some arithmetic and said 8/24 hours which is 1/3.
MANAGER: That is nice of you. What is 1/3 of 366 days?
WORKER: 122 (1/3 x 366 = 122 days)
MANAGER: How many days are there in a year that are weekends?
WORKER: 52 Saturdays and 52 Sundays equals to 104 days.
MANAGER: If you remove 104 days from 122 days, how many days do you now have?
WORKER: 18 days.
MANAGER: I do give you two weeks sick leave every year. Now remove that 14 days from the 18 days left. How many days do you have remaining?
WORKER: 4 days.
MANAGER: Do you work on New Year’s Day, Labour Day, National Day, and Christmas?
WORKER: No.
MANAGER: How many days are left?
WORKER: 0.
MANAGER: Then what are you claiming?
WORKER: I have understood. I did not realise that I was stealing the company’s money all these years.
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Thursday, May 19, 2011 Joey Lim
Interesting Mathematics

1. Grab a calculator (You would not be able to do this one in your head)
2. Key in the first three digits of your phone number (Not number 6 or 9)
3. Multiply by 80
4. Add 1
5. Multiply by 250
6. Add the last four digits of your phone number
7. Add the last four digits of your phone number again
8. Subtract 250
9. Divide the number by 2
10. Recognise the answer?
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Wednesday, May 18, 2011 Joey Lim
Ghost Story 3

When I was young, I went to town to work with a group of friends during our summer holidays for two months. Being young and away from home for the first time, we drank like nobody's business. One night, we were drunk and flagged the last bus down to go home. Being tired, we slept in the bus. It had been awhile since I fell asleep. I was awaken by the chilly wind and shocked to find out that there was no one in the bus. I looked in front to check for the driver, but the driver was nowhere in sight. Yet, the bus was moving. I started to panic. I rubbed my eyes to make sure that I was not dreaming. The night was cold and dark. I immediately got off the bus and tried to run as fast as I could to get away. Then I heard someone yelled at me from behind the bus. “Hey, do not run away. Come over here and help to push the bus.” yelled the bus driver. I saw my other friends helping to push the bus, which broke down while I was asleep.
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Tuesday, May 17, 2011 Joey Lim
Ghost Story 2

When I was young, I have two friends who were very close to each other. They played with each other everyday. It was like, if you see A, you would see B next to him. They were always together. A loved fried eggs. Whenever he went out for lunch or dinner, without fail, he would ask for a fried egg on top of his food. One day, A got involved in an accident and died. B was devastated. B went to the cemetery to pray to him everyday. He would go to the nearest restaurant and pack a box of fried rice with an egg on top to be offered to A when he went to pray to him. The next day, he opened the box and there was no egg inside. B was petrified. He thought, it must be A who came and took the fried egg away. The same thing happened the next day and the day after that. B was confused. So, one day, he asked the chef to make the same fried rice with a fried egg again. Then, he went to the cemetery to offer it to A. Curious, he opened the box to check for the egg. He was angry to find that there was no fried egg in the box after all. Feeling that he had been cheated, he went back to the restaurant and demanded to see the chef. “Where is the fried egg? I told you there must be a fried egg inside. You have cheated me for a few days now. Give me back my money.” Then, the chef got really angry, opened the box, and the fried egg was inside. The chef said, “Stupid, you open the box upside down. No wonder you cannot see the fried egg.”
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Monday, May 16, 2011 Joey Lim
Ghost Story 1

When I was young, I lived in a deserted kampong deep in the jungle. Every night, my mother would ask me not to go home too late as there will not be any transportation after a certain time. One night, before going home, I brought home some soup for supper. I was late and I waited for the bus but there was none. I was getting worried as the night was getting darker and darker. There was no one stopping for me, till one motorcyclist took pity on me and stopped to give me a lift. He was a man with a kind face. I accepted his offer and got onto his motorbike. On the way home, we passed by a temple. At night, the temple would look eerily spooky with the dim lights from the candles. At first, the motorcyclist was warm and friendly. When approaching the temple, the motorcyclist eyes grown bigger and bigger. His kind face turned to a face of anger. He was muttering something which was not audible to me. I was so scared that I closed my eyes in order not to see his face. Then, the motorcyclist stopped in front of the temple and yelled at me. “Your soup is so hot and it is burning my thigh. Can you please move it away?”
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Sunday, May 15, 2011 Joey Lim
To Turn Women Down

HER: Andy says I am pretty. Ben says I am ugly. What do you think of me?
HIM: A bit of both. I think you are pretty ugly.

HER: Darling, I want to dance like this forever.
HIM: Don’t you ever want to improve?

HER: I think the poorest people are the happiest people.
HIM: Then marry me and we will be the happiest couple.

HER: If we become engaged will you give me a ring?
HIM: Sure, what is your phone number?

HER: One kiss and I will be yours forever.
HIM: Thanks for the warning.

HER: Say you love me. Say you love me.
HIM: You love me.

HER: What do you like most about me, my pretty face or my sexy body?
HIM: I like your sense of humour.

HER: What is your excuse for coming home at this time of the night?
HIM: Golfing with friends, my dear.
HER: What? At two in the morning?
HIM: Yes. We used night clubs.

HER: You always carry my photo in your wallet. Why?
HIM: When there is a problem no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.
HER: You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
HIM: Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, “What other problem can there be greater than this one?”

HIM: You remind me of the sea.
HER: Because I am exciting, romantic, and wild?
HIM: No, because you make me sick.

HER: You sure you love me and no one else?
HIM: Dead sure. I checked the whole list again yesterday.

HER: You tell a man something, it goes in one ear and comes out of the other.
HIM: You tell a woman something, it goes in both ears and comes out of the mouth.
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Saturday, May 14, 2011 Joey Lim
To Turn Men Down

HIM: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: Actually, I would rather have the money.

HIM: Can I have your name?
HER: Why? Don’t you already have one?

HIM: Did we go on a date once? Or was it twice?
HER: Must be once. I never make the same mistake twice.

HER: Do you want dinner?
HIM: Sure. What are my choices?
HER: Yes and no.

HIM: Go on, don't be shy. Ask me out.
HER: Okay, get out.

HIM: Have I seen you some in place before?
HER: Yes. That is why I do not go there anymore.

HIM: Hey baby, what is your sign?
HER: Do not enter.

HIM: How did you get to be so beautiful?
HER: I must have been given your share.

HIM: I am a photographer. I have been looking for a face like yours.
HER: I am a plastic surgeon. I have been looking for a face like yours.

HIM: I love you and I could die for you.
HER: How soon?

HIM: I think I could make you very happy.
HER: Why? Are you leaving?

HIM: I would go to the end of the world for you.
HER: Yes, but how long would you stay there?

HIM: If I could see you naked, I would die happy.
HER: If I saw you naked, I would die laughing.

HIM: Is this seat empty?
HER: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

HIM: May I hold your hand?
HER: No thanks, it is not heavy.

HIM: Shall we go watch a movie?
HER: I have already seen it.

HIM: What do you do for a living?
HER: I am a female impersonator.

HIM: What would you say if I asked you to marry me?
HER: Nothing. I cannot talk and laugh at the same time.

HER: When we get married, I want to share all your troubles, worries, and lighten your burden.
HIM: That is very kind of you, but I do not have any troubles or worries.
HER: Well, that is because we are not married yet.

HIM: Where are you from?
HER: USA.
HIM: Are you here on vacation?
HER: No, I am here for lunch.
HIM: What? All the way from the United States of America?
HER: No. Upper Serangoon Avenue.

HIM: Where have you been all your life?
HER: Hiding from you.

HIM: Where have you been all my life?
HER: In your wildest dreams.

HIM: Will you go out with me this Saturday?
HER: Sorry, I am having a headache this weekend.

HIM: You sure I am the first man you are sleeping with?
HER: Of course, I stayed awake with all the others.

HIM: Your body is like a temple.
HER: Sorry, there are no services today.

HIM: Your face must have turned a few heads.
HER: Your face must have turned a few stomachs.
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Friday, May 13, 2011 Joey Lim
School Jokes

TEACHER: Can anybody give an example of ‘coincidence’?
STUDENT: My father and mother got married on the same day and at the same time.

TEACHER: Form a sentence using the word ‘beans’.
STUDENT: We are all human beans.

TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree but also admitted doing it. Do you know why his father did not punish him?
STUDENT: Because George still had the axe in his hand.

TEACHER: If I saw a man beating a donkey and stopped him, what virtue would I be showing?
STUDENT: Brotherly love.

TEACHER: Name one important thing we have today that we did not have ten years ago.
STUDENT: Me.

TEACHER: Tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?
STUDENT: No, I do not have to because my mother is a good cook.

TEACHER: Tell me something you know about the subject ‘history’.
STUDENT: My father is so old that when he was in school, history was called current affairs.

TEACHER: What a pair of strange socks you are wearing, one is blue and one is red.
STUDENT: Yes it is strange. I have got another pair just like that at home.

TEACHER: What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
STUDENT: A teacher.

TEACHER: Why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
STUDENT: That is because you told me to do it without using tables.

TEACHER: Why do you always get so dirty?
STUDENT: Well, I am a lot closer to the ground than you are.

TEACHER: Your composition on ‘My Dog’ is the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
STUDENT: No, it is the same dog.

TEACHER: Correct the sentence, ‘A bull and a cow is grazing in the field’.
STUDENT: A cow and a bull is grazing in the field.
TEACHER: Why?
STUDENT: Ladies first.

TEACHER: Give me a sentence starting with ‘I’.
STUDENT: I is ...
TEACHER: No. Always say ‘I am’.
STUDENT: I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.

TEACHER: How do you spell ‘crocodile’?
STUDENT: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L
TEACHER: No, that is wrong.
STUDENT: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.

TEACHER: How old is your father?
STUDENT: As old as me.
TEACHER: How can that be?
STUDENT: He only became a father when I was born.

TEACHER: John, go to the map and find America.
JOHN: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS: John.

TEACHER: John, you talk a lot.
JOHN: It is a family tradition.
TEACHER: What do you mean?
JOHN: My grandpa was a street hawker and my father is a teacher.
TEACHER: What about your mother?
JOHN: She is a woman.

TEACHER: What is the chemical formula for water?
STUDENT: HIJKLMNO.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
STUDENT: You said it is H to O.

TEACHER: Which is more important to us, the sun or the moon?
STUDENT: The moon.
TEACHER: Why?
STUDENT: The moon gives us light at night when we need it, but the sun gives us light only in the day when we do not need it.
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Thursday, May 12, 2011 Joey Lim
Restaurant Jokes

CUSTOMER: Do you serve crabs?
WAITER: Sit down, we serve anyone.

CUSTOMER: Waiter, this soup tastes funny.
WAITER: Funny? Why you are not laughing?

CUSTOMER: Waiter, there is a dead beetle in my soup.
WAITER: Yes, they are not very good swimmers.

CUSTOMER: Waiter, there is a fly in my soup.
WAITER: That is all right. He will not drink much.

CUSTOMER: Waiter, there is a fly swimming in my soup.
WAITER: So what? Do you expect me to call a lifeguard?

CUSTOMER: Waiter, what is the meaning of this fly in my tea?
WAITER: I do not know. I am a waiter, not a fortune teller.

CUSTOMER: Waiter, what is this soup called?
WAITER: It is called special chicken soup.
CUSTOMER: I see no chicken in it.
WAITER: That is why it is special.

CUSTOMER: Is this lamb chop or pork chop?
WAITER: Can you tell the difference by taste?
CUSTOMER: No, I cannot.
WAITER: Then does it really matter?

WAITER: Would you like your coffee black?
CUSTOMER: What other colours do you have?
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Wednesday, May 11, 2011 Joey Lim
Elderly Jokes

A man said to his 85 year old buddy, “I heard you are getting married?” “Yeah.” “Do I know her?” “No.” “Is she good looking?” “Not really.” “Is she a good cook?” “No, she cannot cook well.” “Does she have lots of money?” “Nope, she is as poor as a church mouse.” “Well, then, is she good in bed?” “I do not know.” “Why in the world do you want to marry her then?” “That is because she can still drive.”

A man was telling his neighbour, “I just bought a new hearing aid which costs me $4,000 and it is perfect.” “What kind is it?” answered the neighbour. “12:30.”

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, “Last night, we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.” The other man replied, “What is the name of the restaurant?” The first man thought and thought and finally said, “What is the name of the flower you give to someone you love? The one that is red and has thorns.” “Do you mean a rose?” “Yes, that is the one,” replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, “Rose, what is the name of that restaurant we went to last night?”

Elderly couples in their nineties were both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they are physically alright but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember. Later that night, while watching television, the old man gets up from his chair. “Want anything from the kitchen?” he asks. “Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?” “Sure.” “Don't you think you should write it down so that you can remember it?” she asks. “No, I can remember it.” “Well, I would like some strawberries on top too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?” He says, “I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.” “I would also like whipped cream. I am certain you will forget that, write it down?” she asks. Irritated, he says, “I do not need to write it down, I can remember it. Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream.” He then went into the kitchen. After about twenty minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment and said “Where is my toast?”

An old man had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the old man to hear 100%. The old man went back to the doctor after a month and the doctor said, “Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.” The old man replied, “Oh, I have not told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to their conversations. I have changed my will three times during that period.”

An old man went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw the old man walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman. A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to him and said, “You are really doing great, right?” He replied, “Just doing what you said, get a hot mama and be cheerful.” The doctor said, “I did not say that. I said that you got a heart murmur, be careful.”

Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he did not need my help to leave the hospital. After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him. “I do not know,” he said. “She is still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.”

Three old men were out walking. First one says, “It is windy right?” Second one says, “No, it is Thursday.” The third one says, “So am I, let us all go get a beer.”

Two old men from a retirement centre were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says, “I am 85 years old and I am full of aches and pains. I know you are about my age. How do you feel?” The other replied, “I feel just like a newborn baby.” “Really? Like a newborn baby?” “Yeah. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.”
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Tuesday, May 10, 2011 Joey Lim
The Problem With Boys

If he breaks his promise, he says he is forced to do so.
If you break your promise, he says you cannot be trusted.

If he hurts you, he says you are sensitive.
If you hurt him, he says you are cruel.

If he is smarter than you, he says he is great.
If you are smarter than him, he says you make him lose face.

If he scores well in his examinations, he says it is brains.
If you score well in your examinations, he says it is luck.

If he smokes, he says he is a gentleman.
If you smoke, he says you are a bad girl.

If you argue with him, he says you are stubborn.
If you do not argue with him, he says you are brainless.

If you dress nicely, he says you are trying to lure him.
If you do not dress nicely, he says you are from a kampong.

If you love him, he will try to leave you.
If you do not love him, he will try to possess you.

If you make love with him, he says you are cheap.
If you do not make love with him, he says you do not love him.

If you scold him, he says you are like a nanny to him.
If he scolds you, he says it is because he cares for you.

If you tell him your problem, he says you are troublesome.
If you do not tell him your problem, he says that you do not trust him.

If you treat him nicely, he says you are in love with him.
If you do not treat him nicely, he says you are proud.
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Monday, May 09, 2011 Joey Lim
Office Arithmetic

Dumb Boss + Dumb Employee = Overtime
Dumb Boss + Smart Employee = Promotion
Smart Boss + Dumb Employee = Production
Smart Boss + Smart Employee = Profit

Romance Mathematics

Dumb Man + Dumb Woman = Pregnancy
Dumb Man + Smart Woman = Marriage
Smart Man + Dumb Woman = Affair
Smart Man + Smart Woman = Romance
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Sunday, May 08, 2011 Joey Lim
How To Stop People From Bugging You To Get Married

Old aunts will to come up to you at weddings, poking you in the ribs and cackling, telling you that you are next. They will stop doing that after you start doing the same thing to them at funerals.
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Saturday, May 07, 2011 Joey Lim
Differences Between Men & Women

A man will pay $20 for a $10 item he needs.
A woman will pay $10 for a $20 item that she does not need.

A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

A man marries a woman expecting that she will not change, and she does.
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he does not.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
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Friday, May 06, 2011 Joey Lim
Couple Behaviour Time Line

Apology

6 weeks: Honey muffin, I will never hold this against you.
6 months: Do not ever do this again.
6 years: What is it that you don’t understand about what I just said?

Back From Work

6 weeks: Honey, I am home.
6 months: Back.
6 years: What did your mother cook for us today?

Cooking

6 weeks: I never knew food could taste so good.
6 months: What are we having for dinner tonight?
6 years: Not again.

Dating Process

6 weeks: I love you, I love you, I love you.
6 months: Of course I love you.
6 years: God, if I did not love you, then why the hell did I propose?

Gifts

6 weeks: Honey, I really hope you liked the ring.
6 months: I bought you a painting. It would fit the motif in the living room.
6 years: Here is the money. Buy yourself something.

New Dress

6 weeks: You look like an angel in that dress.
6 months: You bought a new dress again?
6 years: How much did that cost me?

Phone Ringing

6 weeks: Honey, somebody wants you on the phone.
6 months: Here, for you.
6 years: Phone ringing.

Vacations

6 weeks: How do two weeks in Italy or anywhere you please sound?
6 months: What is so bad about going to Islamabad on a charter plane?
6 years: Travel? What is so bad about staying at home?
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Thursday, May 05, 2011 Joey Lim
Junior College Students Changing A Light Bulb

Q: How many AJC students does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They are too busy trying to be one of the top five JCs.

Q: How many ACJC students does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They would use their money to employ YJC students to do it for them.

Q: How many CJC students does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They would prefer it darker. *raises eyebrows*

Q: How many HCI(JC) students does it take to change a light bulb?
A: The whole school. To compete with RI(JC).

Q: How many IJC students does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They will use their innovation to find their way out of the dark.

Q: How many JJC students does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. Their physics is so bad that they made the male teachers cry.

Q: How many MJC students does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They are all too busy trying to get promoted.

Q: How many NJC students does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They can study without light.

Q: How many NYJC students does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They are still using oil lamps.

Q: How many PJC students does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. The principal will do something about the light bulb.

Q: How many RI(JC) students does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Four whole faculties. One faculty to design the new bulb, one faculty to test it out, one faculty to market it, and one faculty to write about light bulbs.

Q: How many SAJC students does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They believe in praying for it.

Q: How many SRJC students does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. Huh, what lite barb?

Q: How many TJC students does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They think they are very bright themselves.

Q: How many TPJC students does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They would not bother.

Q: How many VJC students does it take to change a light bulb?
A: The whole school. One student to screw it in and the rest to cheer and wave flags to give him or her support.

Q: How many YJC students does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. The teacher will tell them what a light bulb is in the first place and to demonstrate how to change it. (How do you think they are able to change it for ACJC?)
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