JOEY'S BLOG: June 2011

Thursday, June 30, 2011 Joey Lim

There was once a very good barber. One day, a florist goes to him for a haircut. After the haircut, he goes to pay the barber and the barber replies, “I am sorry. I cannot accept the money from you as I am doing community service.” The florist is happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber went to open his shop, there was a card and a dozen roses waiting at his door.

A policeman goes to the barber for a haircut and he goes to pay the barber after the haircut. The barber replies, “I am sorry. I cannot accept the money from you as I am doing community service.” The policeman is happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber went to open his shop, there was a card and a dozen doughnuts waiting at his door.

A Singaporean software engineer goes to the barber for a haircut and he goes to pay the barber after the haircut. The barber replies, “I am sorry. I cannot accept the money from you as I am doing community service.” The Singaporean software engineer is happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber went to open his shop, there is no card and a dozen Singaporeans waiting at his door for a free haircut.

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Wednesday, June 29, 2011 Joey Lim

There was a man who had worked all his life, saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money. Just before he died, he said to his wife, “When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me.” He got his wife to promise him with all her heart that when he died, she would put all the money in the casket with him. Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, “Wait a minute.” She had a box with her, came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down and rolled it away. Her friend said, “Girl, I know you were not foolish enough to put all that money in there with your husband.” The loyal wife replied, “Listen, I cannot go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in the casket with him.” “You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him?” “I sure did.” said the wife, “I put all the money into my account and wrote him a cheque. If he can cash it, he can spend it.

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Tuesday, June 28, 2011 Joey Lim

Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. She usually sleeps through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was sleeping, “Tell me Mary, who created the universe?” When Mary did not stir, John, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. “God Almighty.” shouted Mary and the teacher said, “Very good.” and Mary fell back to sleep. Awhile later the teacher asked Mary, “Who is our Lord and Saviour?”, but Mary did not even stir from her slumber. Once again, John came to the rescue and struck her. “Jesus Christ.” shouted Mary and the teacher said, “Very good.” and Mary fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, “What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?” Again, John jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, “If you stick that thing in me one more time, I will break it in half.”

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Monday, June 27, 2011 Joey Lim

I do not understand women. I will never understand how they can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto their upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.

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Sunday, June 26, 2011 Joey Lim

How do you expect children to listen to their parents if Aladdin is the king of thieves, Batman drives at 320km/h, Cinderella comes home after midnight, Pinocchio lies all the time, Sleeping Beauty is lazy, Snow White lives with seven guys, and Tarzan lives half naked. We should not be surprised if children misbehave at times because they get this from their storybooks.

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Saturday, June 25, 2011 Joey Lim

Due to inherit a fortune when his sickly, widower father died, Charles decided that he needed a woman to enjoy it with. Going to a singles' bar, he spotted a woman whose beauty took his breath away. “I am just an ordinary man,” he said, walking up to her, “but in just a week or two, my father will die and I will inherit 20 million dollars.” The woman went home with Charles and became his stepmother the next day.

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Friday, June 24, 2011 Joey Lim

An old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful poodle along to accompany her. One day, the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, discovers that he is lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having him for lunch. The poodle thinks, “Oh no! I am in deep trouble now.” Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the poodle exclaims loudly, “Boy, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are anymore around here.” Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. “Whew.” says the leopard, “That was close. That poodle nearly had me.” Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree figures that he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans, and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, “Here monkey, hop on my back and see what is going to happen to that conniving canine.” Now, the poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, “What am I going to do now?”, but instead of running, the poodle sits down with his back to the leopard, pretending he has not seen it yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the poodle says, “Where is that monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard.”

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Thursday, June 23, 2011 Joey Lim

A woman goes to Italy to attend a two week company training session. Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her to have a good trip. The wife answers, “Thank you honey, what would you like me to bring back for you?” The husband laughs and says, “An Italian girl.” The woman kept quiet and left. Two weeks later he picks her up in the airport and asks, “What happened to my present?” “Which present?” she asked. “The Italian girl.” he replied. “Oh, that.” she said, “Well, I did what I could. Now we will have to wait for nine months to see if it is a girl or not.”

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Wednesday, June 22, 2011 Joey Lim

A priest offered a nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal her leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said, “Father, remember Psalm 129?” The priest removed his hand. After changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, “Father, remember Psalm 129?” The priest apologised, “Sorry sister, but the flesh is weak.” Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, “Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.”

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Tuesday, June 21, 2011 Joey Lim

A man was asked to make a sentence using 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9 & 10. He not only did it from 1 to 10, but he also did it again from 10 back to 1. This is what he came up with. 1 day I go 2 climb a 3 outside a house to peep. The couple saw me so I panic and 4 down. The man rushed out and wanted to 5 with me. I ran until I fell 6 and threw up. Next, I went to 7-eleven, grab some 8 to throw at him. I also took a 9 and tried to stab him. 10 goodness he ran away. 10 I put the 9 back and paid for the 8 and left 7-eleven. The next day, I called my boss and told him I was 6. He said 5, tomorrow also no need to come back 4 work. He also asked me to go climb a 3 and jump down. I do not understand. I am so nice 2 him but I do not know what he 1.

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Monday, June 20, 2011 Joey Lim

A man told the psychiatrist that he kept forgetting things. “How long has this been going on?” asked the psychiatrist. “How long has what been going on?” said the man.

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Sunday, June 19, 2011 Joey Lim

A man said to his wife one day, “I do not know how you can be so beautiful and so stupid all at the same time.” The wife responded, “Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so that you would be attracted to me, and God made me stupid so that I would be attracted to you.”

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Saturday, June 18, 2011 Joey Lim

A man read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day. 30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied, “The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men. The husband then turned to his wife and asked “What?”

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Friday, June 17, 2011 Joey Lim

A man joined a big company as a trainee. On his first day, he dialed the kitchen and shouted into the phone, “Quickly get me a cup of coffee.” The voice from the other side responded, “You fool, you have dialed the wrong extension. Do you know who you are talking to?” “No.” replied the trainee. “This is the Managing Director of the company.” The trainee shouted back, “Then do you know who you are talking to?” “No.” replied the Managing Director angrily. “Thank God.” replied the trainee and he put down the phone.

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Thursday, June 16, 2011 Joey Lim

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing hers. When the doorbell rings, the wife wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. She opens the door and there is Bob, their neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I will give you $100 to drop that towel.” After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. A few seconds later, Bob hands her $100 and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, “Who was that?” “It was Bob, our neighbour,” she replies. “Great,” The husband says, “Did he say anything about the $100 he owes me?”

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Wednesday, June 15, 2011 Joey Lim

A man goes to a priest one day and tells him, “Father, I have problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing.” “What do they say?” the priest inquired. “They say, 'Hi, we are prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?’” “That is obscene.” the priest exclaimed, then he thought for a moment. “You know,” he said, “I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots that I have taught to pray and read the bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house and we will put them in the cage with them. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship. Your parrots are sure to stop saying that phrase in no time.” “Thank you,” the man responded, “This may very well be the solution.” The next day, he brought his female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered him in, he saw that the priest's two male parrots were inside their cage, holding beads and praying. Impressed, he walked over and placed his parrots inside with them. After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison, “Hi, we are prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?” There was a stunned silence. Finally, one male parrot looked over to the other male parrot and exclaimed, “Put the beads away, our prayers have been answered.”

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Tuesday, June 14, 2011 Joey Lim

A man and his wife were quarrelling and the man was losing his temper. “Be careful,” he said to his wife. “You will bring out the beast in me.” “So what?” his wife shouted back. “Who is afraid of a mouse?”

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Monday, June 13, 2011 Joey Lim

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee every morning. The wife said, “You should do it because you get up first, and then we do not have to wait as long to get our coffee.” The husband said, “You are in charge of cooking around here, and you should do it because that is your job. I can wait for my coffee.” The wife replies, “No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.” Husband replies, “I cannot believe it, show me.” She fetched the Bible, opened the New Testament and showed him the top of several pages that it indeed says ‘Hebrews’.

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Sunday, June 12, 2011 Joey Lim

A drunkard was brought to court. Just before the trial, there was a commotion in the gallery. The judge pounded the gravel on his table and shouted, “Order, order.” The drunkard immediately responded, “Thank you, your honour, I will have a scotch and soda.”

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Saturday, June 11, 2011 Joey Lim

A clerk, a salesman, and a manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a genie comes out. The genie says, “I will give each of you one wish.” “Me first! Me first!” says the clerk. “I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.” Puff! She is gone. “Me next! Me next!” says the salesman. “I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse.” Puff! He is gone. “Okay, you are up.” The genie says to the manager. The manager says, “I want those two back in the office after lunch.”

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Friday, June 10, 2011 Joey Lim

The great preacher Charles H. Spurgeon once learned about such peace while trying to raise money for the poor children in London. He came home to Bristol hoping to collect 300 pounds to support his work with London’s homeless children.

At the end of a week of meetings, many lives had been changed and his financial goal had been reached. That night as he bowed in prayer, Spurgeon seemed to hear a voice saying, “Give the money to George Mueller” (the founder of a great orphanage in England). “Oh no, Lord,” answered Spurgeon, “I need it for my own dear orphans.” Yet Spurgeon could not shake the idea that God wanted him to part with it. Only when he said, “Yes Lord, I will,” could he find rest.

With great peace he made his way the next morning to Mueller’s orphanage and found that great man of prayer on his knees. The famous minister placed his hand on Mueller’s shoulder and said, “George, God has told me to give you these 300 pounds I have collected.” “Oh, my dear brother,” said Mueller, “I have just been asking Him for exactly that amount.”

The two servants of the Lord then wept and rejoiced together. When Spurgeon returned to London, he found a letter on his desk containing 300 guineas. “There,” he cried with joy, “the Lord has returned my 300 pounds with 300 shillings’ interest.”

Spurgeon learned what another generous believer once said, “I shovel out, and God shovels in, and He has a bigger shovel than I do.”

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Thursday, June 09, 2011 Joey Lim

In his book, Improving Your Serve, author and pastor Chuck Swindoll tells the following story:

Shortly after World War II came to a close, Europe began picking up the pieces. Much of the Old Country had been ravaged by war and was in ruins. Perhaps the saddest sight of all was that of little orphaned children starving in the streets of those war-torn cities.

Early one chilly morning, an American soldier was making his way back to the barracks in London. As he turned the corner of his jeep, he spotted a little lad with his nose pressed to the window of a pastry shop. Inside, the baker was kneading dough for a fresh batch of doughnuts. The hungry boy stared in silence, watching every move. The soldier pulled his jeep to the curb, stopped, got out, and walked quietly over to where the little fellow was standing. Through the steamed-up window he could see the mouthwatering morsels as they were being pulled from the oven, piping hot. The boy salivated and released a slight groan as he watched the baker place them onto the glass-enclosed counter ever so carefully.

The soldier’s heart went out to the nameless orphan as he stood beside him. “Son, would you like some of those?” The boy startled. “Oh yeah … I would.” The American soldier stepped inside and bought a dozen, put them in a bag, and walked back to where the lad was standing in the foggy cold of the London morning. He smiled, held out the bag, and said simply, “Here you are.” As he turned to walk away, he felt a tug on his coat. He looked back and heard the child ask quietly, “Mister, are you God?”

Like the American soldier, we are never more like Jesus than when we submit to righteous impulses and do what is good and right. That is what light in darkness means. When we are fully devoted to the King, our light and good works ultimately will conquer the darkness.

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Wednesday, June 08, 2011 Joey Lim

The Stranger

A few years after I was born, my father met a stranger who was new to our small town. From the beginning, my father was fascinated with this enchanting newcomer and soon invited him to live with our family. The stranger was quickly accepted and was around from then on.

As I grew up, I never questioned his place in my family. In my young mind, he had a special niche. My parents were complementary instructors. My father taught me to obey and my mother taught me good from evil, but the stranger, he was our storyteller. He would keep us spellbound for hours on end with adventures, comedies, and mysteries. If I wanted to know anything about history, politics, or science, he always knew the answers. He knew about the past, understood the present, and even seemed to be able to predict the future.

He took my family to cricket and football. He made me cry and made me laugh. The stranger never stopped talking, but my father did not seem to mind. Sometimes, my mother would get up quietly while the rest of us were shushing each other to listen to what he had to say, and she would go to the kitchen for peace and quiet. I wonder now if my mother ever prayed for the stranger to leave.

My father ruled our household with certain moral convictions, but the stranger never felt obligated to honour them. Profanity, for example, was not allowed in our home, not from us, our friends, or any visitors. However, the stranger got away with four letter words that burned my ears, made my father squirm, and my mother blush.

My father did not permit the liberal use of alcohol. However, the stranger encouraged us to try it on a regular basis. He made cigarettes look cool, cigars manly, and pipes distinguished. He talked freely, much too freely, about sex. His comments were sometimes blatant, sometimes suggestive, and generally embarrassing.

I now know that my early concepts about relationships were influenced strongly by the stranger. Time after time, he opposed the values of my parents, yet he was seldom rebuked and never asked to leave.

More than fifty years have passed since the stranger moved in with our family. He has blended right in and is not nearly as fascinating as he was at first. If you walk into my parents' room today, you would still find him sitting over in his corner, waiting for someone to listen to him talk and watch him draw his pictures.

His name? We just call him, 'TV.'

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Tuesday, June 07, 2011 Joey Lim

The Professor & His Student

“Let me explain the problem science has with Jesus Christ.” The atheist professor of philosophy pauses before his class and then asks one of his new students to stand.

PROFESSOR: Are you a Christian?

STUDENT: Yes.

PROFESSOR: Do you believe in God?

STUDENT: Absolutely.

PROFESSOR: Is God good?

STUDENT: Yes, God is good.

PROFESSOR: Are you good or evil?

STUDENT: The Bible says I am evil.

PROFESSOR: Here is one for you. Let’s say there is a sick person over here and you can cure him. Would you help him?

STUDENT: Yes, I would.

PROFESSOR: So you are good.

STUDENT: I would not say that.

PROFESSOR: Why? You would help a sick person if you could. Most of us would if we could, but God does not.

The student does not answer so the professor continues. “He does not, does he? My brother who was a Christian died of cancer even though he prayed to God to heal him. How is God good?” The student remains silent. “No, you cannot, can you?” The professor says. He takes a sip of water from a glass on his desk to give the student some time to relax.

PROFESSOR: Let's start again. Is God good?

STUDENT: Yes.

PROFESSOR: Is Satan good?

STUDENT: No.

PROFESSOR: Then where does Satan come from?

STUDENT: From God.

PROFESSOR: God made Satan didn’t he? Tell me, is there evil in this world?

STUDENT: Yes.

PROFESSOR: Who created evil? If God created everything, then God created evil. Since evil exists and according to the principle that our works define who we are, then God is evil. Is there hatred, immorality, and sickness? All these terrible things, do they exist in this world?

STUDENT: Yes

PROFESSOR: Who created them?

There is still no answer. The professor then breaks away to pace in front of the classroom. “Tell me,” he continues onto another student.

PROFESSOR: Do you believe in Jesus Christ?

STUDENT: Yes, I do.

PROFESSOR: Science says you have five senses to identify and observe the world around you. Have you ever seen Jesus?

STUDENT: No, I have never seen Him.

PROFESSOR: Then have you ever heard Jesus?

STUDENT: No, I have not.

PROFESSOR: Have you ever actually felt Jesus, smelt Jesus, or tasted Jesus? Have you ever had any sensory perception of Jesus Christ or God for that matter?

STUDENT: No, I am afraid not.

PROFESSOR: Yet you still believe in Him?

STUDENT: Yes.

PROFESSOR: According to the rules of empirical, testable, and demonstrable protocol, science says God does not exist. What do you say about that?

STUDENT: Nothing, I only have faith.

PROFESSOR: Yes, faith. That is the problem science has with God. There is no evidence, only faith.

The student stands quietly for a moment before asking a question of his own.

STUDENT: Professor, is there such thing as heat?

PROFESSOR: Yes, there is heat.

STUDENT: Then is there such thing as cold?

PROFESSOR: Yes, there is cold too.

STUDENT: No, there isn’t.

The professor turns to face the student, obviously interested. The room suddenly becomes very quiet and the student begins to explain.

STUDENT: You can have lots of heat, even more heat, super-heat, mega-heat, unlimited heat, white heat, a little heat, or no heat, but we do not have anything called cold. We can hit up to 458 degrees below zero, which is no heat, but we cannot go any further after that. There is no such thing as cold, otherwise we would be able to go colder than the lowest -458 degrees. Every matter is susceptible to study when it has or transmits energy and heat is what makes the matter have or transmit energy. Absolute zero (-458 F) is the total absence of heat. You see, cold is only a word we use to describe the absence of heat. We cannot measure cold. We can measure heat in thermal units because heat is energy. Cold is not the opposite of heat, it is just the absence of it.

There was silence across the room. A pen drops somewhere in the classroom, sounding like a hammer.

STUDENT: What about darkness, professor. Is there such a thing as darkness?

PROFESSOR: Yes. What is night if it isn't darkness?

STUDENT: You are wrong again. Darkness is not something. It is the absence of something. You can have low light, normal light, bright light, flashing light, but if you have no light constantly you have nothing and it is called darkness, isn't it? That is the meaning we use to define the word. In reality, darkness isn't. If it were, you would be able to make darkness darker, wouldn't you?

PROFESSOR: This will be a good semester. So what point are you making, young man?

STUDENT: Yes, professor. My point is, your philosophical premise is flawed to start with, and so your conclusion must also be flawed.

PROFESSOR: Flawed? Can you explain how?

STUDENT: You are working on the premise of duality. You argue that there is life and then there is death. A bad God and a good God. You are viewing the concept of God as something finite, something we can measure. Science cannot even explain a thought. It uses electricity and magnetism, but has never seen, much less fully understood either one. To view death as the opposite of life is to be ignorant of the fact that death cannot exist as a substantive thing. Death is not the opposite of life, just the absence of it. Now tell me, professor. Do you teach your students that they evolved from a monkey?

PROFESSOR: If you are referring to the natural evolutionary process. Yes, of course.

STUDENT: Have you ever observed evolution with your own eyes?

PROFESSOR: A very good semester, indeed.

STUDENT: Since no one has ever observed the process of evolution at work and cannot even prove that this process is an on-going endeavour, are you not teaching your opinion? Are you now not a scientist, but a preacher?

The class is in uproar but the student remains silent until the commotion has subsided.

STUDENT: To continue the point you were making earlier to the other student, let me give you an example of what I mean. Is there anyone in the class who has ever seen the professor's brain? Is there anyone here who has ever felt, heard, smelt, or tasted the professor's brain? No one appears to have done so. So, according to the established rules of empirical, testable, and demonstrable protocol, science says that you have no brain, with all due respect. So if science says you have no brain, how can we trust your lectures?

The room is now silent. The professor just stares at the student with his face unreadable. Finally, after what seems like an eternity, the professor answers.

PROFESSOR: I guess you will have to take them on faith.

STUDENT: So you accept that there is faith. In fact, faith exists with life. Now, is there such a thing as evil?

PROFESSOR: Of course there is. We see it everyday. It is in the daily example of man's inhumanity to man. It is in the multitude of crime and violence everywhere in the world. These manifestations are nothing else but evil.

STUDENT: Evil does not exist or at least it does not exist unto itself. Evil is simply the absence of God. It is just like cold and darkness, words that man created to describe the absence of God. God did not create evil. Evil is the result of what happens when man does not have God's love present in his heart. It is like the cold that comes when there is no heat or the darkness that comes when there is no light.

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Monday, June 06, 2011 Joey Lim

The Pastor & His Son

Every Sunday afternoon, after the morning service at the church, a pastor and his son would go out into their town and hand out Gospel Tracts. On a particular Sunday afternoon, as the time came for the pastor and his son to go to the streets with their tracts, it was very cold outside and it was raining. The boy bundled up in his warmest clothes and said, “Okay dad, I am ready.” His pastor dad asked, “Ready for what?” “Dad, it is time to gather our tracts and go out.” Dad responds, “Son, it is very cold outside and it is raining.” The boy gives his dad a surprised look, asking, “But Dad, people still going to hell even though it is raining.” Dad answers, “Son, I am not going out in this weather.” Despondently, the boy asks, “Dad, can I go? Please?” His father hesitated for a moment then said, “Son, you can go. Here are the tracts, be careful son.” “Thanks Dad.” The son replied before leaving home.

With that, he was off and out into the rain. The boy walked the streets of the town going from door to door and handing everybody he met in the street a Gospel Tract. After two hours of walking in the rain, he was soaking wet and down to the very last tract. He stopped at a corner and looked for someone to hand a tract to, but the streets were totally deserted.

The boy then turned towards the first home he saw and started up the sidewalk to the front door and rang the bell but nobody answered. He rang it again and again, but still no one answered. Finally, the boy turned to leave, but something stopped him. Again, he turned to the door and rang the bell and knocked loudly on the door with his fist. He waited, something was holding him there at the front porch. He rang again and this time the door slowly opened. Standing in the doorway was a very sad-looking elderly lady. She softly asked, “What can I do for you, son?” With radiant eyes and a smile that lit up her world, the little boy said, “I am sorry if I disturbed you, but I just want to tell you that Jesus really loves you and I came to give you the very last Gospel Tract which will tell you all about Jesus and His great love.” With that, he handed her the last tract and turned to leave. She called to him as he departed. “Thank you son, and God bless you.”

The following Sunday morning in church, pastor dad was in the pulpit. As the service began, he asked, “Does anybody have a testimony or want to say anything?” Slowly, in the back row of the church, an elderly lady stood to her feet. As she began to speak, a look of glorious radiance came from her face.

“No one in this church knows me. I have never been here before. You see, before last Sunday I was not a Christian. My husband passed on some time ago, leaving me totally alone in this world. Last Sunday, being a particularly cold and rainy day, it was even more so in my heart that I came to the end of the line where I no longer had any hope or will to live. I then took a rope and a chair and ascended the stairway into the attic of my home. I fastened the rope securely to a rafter in the roof, then stood on the chair and fastened the other end of the rope around my neck. Standing on that chair, so lonely and brokenhearted I was about to leap off, when suddenly the loud ringing of my doorbell downstairs startled me. I thought, I will wait a minute and whoever it is will go away. I waited and waited, but the ringing doorbell seemed to get louder and more insistent and the person ringing also started knocking loudly. I thought to myself again, ‘Who on earth could this be? Nobody ever rings my doorbell or comes to see me.’ I loosened the rope from my neck and started for the front door, all the while the doorbell rang louder and louder.”

“When I opened the door and looked I could hardly believe my eyes, for there at my front porch was the most radiant and angelic boy I had ever seen in my life. His smile, oh, I could never describe it to you. The words that came from his mouth caused my heart that had long been dead to leap to life as he exclaimed with a cherub-like voice, ‘I just came to tell you that Jesus really loves you.’ He then gave me this Gospel Tract that I now hold in my hand. As the little boy disappeared back out into the cold and rain, I closed my door and read slowly every word of the Gospel Tract. Then I went up to my attic to get my rope and chair. I would not need them anymore. You see, I am now a happy child of God. Since the address of your church was on the back of this Gospel Tract, I have come here to personally say thank you to God's little angel who came just in the nick of time and by so doing, spared my soul from an eternity in hell.”

There was not a dry eye in the church and as shouts of praise and honour to God resounded off the rafters of the building, pastor dad descended from the pulpit to the front pew where his son was seated. He took his son in his arms and sobbed uncontrollably. Probably no church has had a more glorious moment and probably this universe has never seen a father that was more filled with honour and love for his son. Except for One.

Our Father also allowed His Son to go out into a cold and dark world. He received His Son back with joy unspeakable and as all of heaven shouted praises and honour to God, the Father sat His beloved Son on a throne far above all principality and power above every name that is named.

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Sunday, June 05, 2011 Joey Lim

The Marriage

When I got home that night as my wife served dinner, I held her hand and said, “I have got something to tell you.” She sat down and ate quietly while I observed the hurt in her eyes. Suddenly, I did not know how to open my mouth, but I had to let her know what I was thinking. I want a divorce. I raised the topic calmly. She did not seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, “Why?” I avoided her question and this made her angry. She threw the chopsticks and shouted at me, “You are not a man!” That night, we did not talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage, but I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer. She had lost my heart to Dew. I did not love her anymore. I just pitied her.

With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our car, our house, and 30% stake of my company. She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. The woman who had spent ten years of her life with me had become a stranger. I felt sorry for her wasted energy, resources, and time, but I could not take back what I had said for I loved Dew so dearly. Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To me, her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be clearer and firmer now.

The next day, I came back home very late and found her writing something at the table. I did not have supper but went straight to sleep and fell asleep very fast because I was tired after an eventful day with Dew. When I woke up, she was still at the table writing. I did not care so I turned over and was asleep again.

In the morning she presented her divorce conditions telling me that she did not want anything from me, but needed a month's notice before the divorce. She requested that in that one month we both struggle to live a normal life as much as possible. Her reasons were simple, our son will be having his examinations in a month's time and she did not want to disrupt him with our broken marriage. This was agreeable to me, but she had something more. She asked me to recall how I had carried her into the bridal room on our wedding day. She requested that every day for the month's duration that I carry her out of our bedroom to the front door every morning. I thought she was going crazy. Just to make our last days together bearable, I accepted her odd request.

I told Dew about my wife's divorce conditions and she laughed loudly and thought that it was absurd. “No matter what tricks she applies, she has to face the divorce.” Dew said scornfully.

My wife and I had not had any body contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed. When I carried her out on the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, daddy is holding mummy in his arms. His words brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms. She closed her eyes and said softly, “Do not tell our son about the divorce.” I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outside the door. She went to wait for the bus to go to work while I drove to the office alone.

On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my chest. I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realised that I had not looked at this woman carefully for a long time. I realised she was not young anymore. There were fine wrinkles on her face and her hair was greying. Our marriage had taken its toll on her. For a minute I wondered what I had done to her.

On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I felt a sense of intimacy returning. This was the woman who had given ten years of her life to me. On the fifth and sixth day, I realised that our sense of intimacy was growing again. I did not tell Dew about this. It became easier to carry her as the month slipped by. Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger.

She was choosing what to wear one morning. She tried on quite a few dresses but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, all my dresses have grown bigger. I suddenly realised that she had grown so thin, that was the reason why I could carry her more easily. Suddenly it hit me. She had buried so much bitterness and pain in her heart. Subconsciously, I reached out and touched her head.

Our son came in at that moment and said, “Daddy, it is time to carry mummy out.” To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had become an essential part of his life. My wife gestured to our son to come closer and hugged him tightly. I turned my face away because I was afraid I might change my mind at the last minute. I then held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly just like how I did on our wedding day. However, her much lighter weight made me sad. On the last day, when I held her in my arms, I could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school. I held her tightly and said, “I had not noticed that our life lacked intimacy.”

I drove to the office and jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my mind. I walked upstairs. Dew opened the door and I said to her, “Sorry Dew, I do not want the divorce anymore.”

She looked at me, astonished, and then touched my forehead. “Do you have a fever?” She said. I moved her hand off my head. “Sorry Dew,” I said, “I will not divorce.” My marriage life was boring probably because my wife and I did not value the details of our lives, not because we did not love each other anymore. Now I realise that since I carried her into my house on our wedding day, I am supposed to hold her until death do us apart. Dew seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap, slammed the door, and burst into tears. I walked downstairs and drove away.

At the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet of flowers for my wife. The salesgirl asked me what to write on the card. I smiled and wrote, I will carry you out every morning until death do us apart.

That evening I arrived home with a smile on my face and flowers in my hand, I ran up stairs, only to find my wife in bed. She was dead. I know how her heart could not bear to hear my last words. I still carried her, one last time, this time with a wretched heart.

The small details in our lives are the things that really matter in a relationship. It is not the car, the house, or the money in the bank. These things create an environment conducive for happiness but cannot give happiness themselves.

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Saturday, June 04, 2011 Joey Lim

The Bell

I know who I am.

I am God's child. (John 1:12)

I am Christ's friend. (John 15:15)

I am united with the Lord. (1 Cor. 6:17)

I am bought with a price. (1 Cor. 6:19-20)

I am a saint (set apart for God). (Eph. 1:1)

I am a personal witness of Christ. (Acts 1:8)

I am the salt & light of the earth. (Matt. 5:13-14)

I am free forever from condemnation. (Rom. 8:1-2)

I am a member of the body of Christ. (1 Cor. 12:27)

I am a citizen of Heaven. I am significant. (Phil. 3:20)

I am free from any charge against me. (Rom. 8:31-34)

I am a minister of reconciliation for God. (2 Cor. 5:17-21)

I have access to God through the Holy Spirit. (Eph. 2:18)

I am seated with Christ in the heavenly realms. (Eph. 2:6)

I cannot be separated from the love of God. (Rom.8:35-39)

I am established, anointed, sealed by God. (2 Cor. 1:21-22)

I am assured all things work together for good. (Rom. 8:28)

I have been chosen and appointed to bear fruit. (John 15:16)

I may approach God with freedom and confidence. (Eph. 3:12)

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. (Phil. 4:13)

I am the branch of the true vine, a channel of His life. (John 15:1-5)

I am God's temple (1 Cor. 3:16). I am complete in Christ. (Col. 2:10)

I am hidden with Christ in God (Col. 3:3). I have been justified. (Romans 5:1)

I am God's co-worker (1 Cor. 3:9, 2 Cor. 6:1). I am God's workmanship. (Eph. 2:10)

I am confident that the good works God has begun in me will be perfected. (Phil 1:5)

I have been redeemed and forgiven. (Col. 1:14). I have been adopted as God's child. (Eph 1:5)

I belong to God.

Do you know

Who you are?

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Friday, June 03, 2011 Joey Lim

Self Appraisal

A little boy went to a telephone booth which was at the counter of a store and dialed a number. The store owner observed and listened to the conversation.

BOY: Can you give me the job of cutting your lawn?

LADY: I already have someone to cut my lawn.

BOY: I will cut your lawn for half the price the current person is asking.

LADY: I am very satisfied with the person who is presently cutting my lawn.

BOY: I will even sweep the floor and the stairs of your house for free.

LADY: No, thank you.

BOY: Okay then. Bye.

With a smile on his face, the little boy replaced the receiver. The store owner, who was listening to all this, walked over to the boy.

STORE OWNER: I like your attitude and your positive spirit and would like to offer you a job.

BOY: No thanks.

STORE OWNER: I thought you were pleading for one.

BOY: No sir, I was just checking my performance at the job I already have. I am the one who is working for that lady I was talking to.

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Thursday, June 02, 2011 Joey Lim

Anagrams

A DECIMAL POINT