Elderly Jokes
A man said to his 85 year old buddy, “I heard you are getting married?” “Yeah.” “Do I know her?” “No.” “Is she good looking?” “Not really.” “Is she a good cook?” “No, she cannot cook well.” “Does she have lots of money?” “Nope, she is as poor as a church mouse.” “Well, then, is she good in bed?” “I do not know.” “Why in the world do you want to marry her then?” “That is because she can still drive.”
A man was telling his neighbour, “I just bought a new hearing aid which costs me $4,000 and it is perfect.” “What kind is it?” answered the neighbour. “12:30.”
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, “Last night, we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.” The other man replied, “What is the name of the restaurant?” The first man thought and thought and finally said, “What is the name of the flower you give to someone you love? The one that is red and has thorns.” “Do you mean a rose?” “Yes, that is the one,” replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, “Rose, what is the name of that restaurant we went to last night?”
Elderly couples in their nineties were both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they are physically alright but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember. Later that night, while watching television, the old man gets up from his chair. “Want anything from the kitchen?” he asks. “Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?” “Sure.” “Don't you think you should write it down so that you can remember it?” she asks. “No, I can remember it.” “Well, I would like some strawberries on top too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?” He says, “I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.” “I would also like whipped cream. I am certain you will forget that, write it down?” she asks. Irritated, he says, “I do not need to write it down, I can remember it. Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream.” He then went into the kitchen. After about twenty minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment and said “Where is my toast?”
An old man had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the old man to hear 100%. The old man went back to the doctor after a month and the doctor said, “Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.” The old man replied, “Oh, I have not told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to their conversations. I have changed my will three times during that period.”
An old man went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw the old man walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman. A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to him and said, “You are really doing great, right?” He replied, “Just doing what you said, get a hot mama and be cheerful.” The doctor said, “I did not say that. I said that you got a heart murmur, be careful.”
Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he did not need my help to leave the hospital. After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him. “I do not know,” he said. “She is still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.”
Three old men were out walking. First one says, “It is windy right?” Second one says, “No, it is Thursday.” The third one says, “So am I, let us all go get a beer.”
Two old men from a retirement centre were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says, “I am 85 years old and I am full of aches and pains. I know you are about my age. How do you feel?” The other replied, “I feel just like a newborn baby.” “Really? Like a newborn baby?” “Yeah. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.”
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